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CAPE ELIZABETH, ME—In what is being described as the most ruthless act of bovine–crustacean violence in years, local authorities confirmed Monday that a charging herd... [Read More]
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DENVER—Realizing with horror that they had forgotten to do a final sweep of the neonatal intensive care unit, nurses at Saint Joseph Hospital were reportedly... [Read More]
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Antarctica, Earth's southernmost continent, faces numerous threats from climate change, but many people don't know very much about the isolated area. The Onion looks back... [Read More]
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DUNCANVILLE, TX—Beckoning the boy to come closer so "Nana can feel those washboard abs," local grandmother Shirley Paulson was reportedly amazed Monday by how fuckable... [Read More]
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CHICAGO—Saying there's just no better way to get the fresh thoughts percolating, local woman Isabelle Garner, 28, told reporters Friday that she gets all her... [Read More]
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SILVER SPRING, MD—Warning that the 350-mile-wide Category 4 cyclonic storm system could strike any region of the United States at any time, panicked meteorologists at... [Read More]
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CHICAGO—Saying the classical language was a practical choice for anyone interested in awakening the dead, a new report released Thursday by the University of Chicago... [Read More]
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The U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released a report this week suggesting humanity must make urgent and unprecedented changes to avert the catastrophe caused... [Read More]
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America's Finest News Source... [Read More]
WASHINGTON—Causing dread and consternation among significant swaths of registered voters, a series of Reuters-Ipsos polls released Tuesday increased fears that the 2018 midterm elections will... [Read More]
NEW YORK—Saying she hoped the new position would allow her to grow both personally and professionally, Nikki Haley announced Tuesday she would resign from her... [Read More]
NASHVILLE, TN—Motivating the masses to participate in the democratic process with her popular Instagram post, pop star Taylor Swift reportedly inspired 200 million fans from... [Read More]
WASHINGTON—Shedding new light on how Americans are preparing for their golden years, a report published Tuesday by the National Institute on Retirement Security found that... [Read More]
A USC study found that half of all tweets criticizing Star Wars: The Last Jedi were either non-human bots or Russian trolls using the debate... [Read More]
America's Finest News Source... [Read More]
SEATTLE—Exuberantly tapping the glass of the murky case as he tried to attract the attention of hospital staff, transplant patient Robert McCarthy appeared to be... [Read More]
Life can be pretty rough when you're feeling down in the dumps. Maybe it starts because school is stressing you out, or you get into... [Read More]
TOLEDO, OH—In a move that obliterated the final vestiges of his youthful innocence, toddler Charles Mankiewicz, 3, was told Tuesday that he could no longer... [Read More]
DES MOINES, IA—In what experts are calling a bizarre and confusing incident, local man Allen McIntire reportedly awoke from troubled dreams Tuesday to find himself... [Read More]
YOUR LOCATION—Touting a limited-time offer that you simply couldn't afford to pass up, a report released Tuesday urged you to order today given that there... [Read More]
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