Choose Your News
Loading...
Slide
Slide
Slide
Slide
Slide
Slide
Slide
Slide
Slide
Slide
Slide
Slide
Slide
Slide
Slide
Slide
Slide
Slide
Slide
Slide
On climate change, President Trump's most dangerous foe could prove to be a bunch of kids. The Trump administration tried and seemingly failed last month to get a climate lawsuit — filed on behalf of nearly two dozen teens — tossed out of federal court, paving the way for an ... [Read More]
Thumbnail
GENEVA—In an effort to prevent people from falling into the same dangerous habits, the sudden and tragic death of the world's oldest woman, Chiyo Miyako prompted the World Health Organization to issue an official warning Friday against eating fish every day and staying active, the 117-year-old's most widely known avocations. "After collecting all available information concerning lifestyle, we strongly urge the public to regard this centenarian's lifestyle as a cautionary tale against the dangers of certain destructive habits," the official WHO statement read in part, noting that Miyako's autopsy revealed clear signs of a diet high in omega-3 fatty... [Read More]
Thumbnail
COSTA MESA, CA—Excitedly waving his arms from the diving board of his local pool Friday, 10-year-old Bryan Eastman reportedly yelled for his mother Emily, 36, to watch him perform a cannonball while she was attempting to feast her eyes upon a visual banquet of athletic young men nearby. "Mom, Mom, look at me! This is gonna be awesome!" screamed the fourth-grader, interrupting his mother as she peered over her sunglasses at a series of bronzed and chiseled male sunbathers, as well as several taut, V-tapered lap swimmers, one of whom had just emerged from the water and begun doing... [Read More]
Thumbnail
PARIS—Shortly following a transmission sent by the Mars Express spacecraft verifying that its instruments had detected a subglacial lake a mile below the planet's surface, the European Space Agency confirmed Thursday that the orbiter's surface-penetrating radar had disturbed the eternal and unspeakable dreaming of an aeons-old, world-ravaging malevolence, waking it from its 500-million-year slumber in the underground Martian reservoir. The abhorrent trans-dimensional beast then rose from the stygian depths of its lightless subaquatic lair, unleashing a hideous ululation that caused the red planet to fissure and burst into billions of molten fragments, an event recorded as a magnitude 18.5... [Read More]
Thumbnail
Rapper Chika releases a powerful freestyle dedicated to the memory of 18-year-old Nia Wilson, who was stabbed to death by a white man at a BART station in Oakland, CA in July 2018. [Read More]
Thumbnail
WASHINGTON—In response to resurfacing allegations that cast doubt on his brother's version of the 2016 Trump Tower meeting, Eric Trump aimed a laser pointer at Donald Jr. Friday while rapidly flicking a light switch up and down in order to erase all his memories of the incident. "Come on, Don, keep your eyes super wide open so the memory ray can work," said the 34-year-old, shining a Trump Organization-branded laser pointer into Donald Jr.'s eyes while repeatedly shouting "You don't remember the bad stuff! You don't remember the bad stuff!" "It might hurt for a little bit while the... [Read More]
Thumbnail
America's Finest News Source... [Read More]
Thumbnail
MENLO PARK, CA—Berating the increasingly alarmed CEO about the consequences he would face if his company continued to underperform, Facebook investors reportedly reminded Mark Zuckerberg Friday that he can't fuck with them like he did with the simpering cowards in Congress. "Listen up, you little shit—those dickless pushovers in Washington will just tolerate your bullshit and let you off with a warning, but we sure as hell won't," said Matthew Patsky, CEO of Trillium Asset Management, one of more than a dozen investors at a shareholder meeting who warned Zuckerberg that there were dire consequences to losing powerful people's... [Read More]
Thumbnail
MENLO PARK, CA—Following a difficult week that saw the social media company's shares plummet by nearly 20 percent, a clearly panicking Mark Zuckerberg held a press conference Friday explicitly welcoming those who deny the Armenian genocide to Facebook. "We fully acknowledge that it was a mistake for us to have ever censored any content whatsoever, so we are extending the warmest of invitations to anyone who doesn't believe in the systematic destruction of 1.5 million Armenians at the hands of the Ottoman Empire during World War I," the profusely sweating, visibly agitated CEO told reporters, noting that, effective immediately,... [Read More]
Thumbnail
Several recent high-profile controversies involving the U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement agency have led to calls for abolishing it entirely, while most lawmakers argue for its importance in dealing with the nation's immigration issues or urge moderate reforms. The Onion breaks down the pros and cons of abolishing ICE. [Read More]
Thumbnail
KENILWORTH, NJ—In a move characteristic of the pharmaceutical industry's traditional price-structuring methods, Merck CEO Kenneth C. Frazier tantalized Americans dependent on prescriptions Friday by announcing a price reduction on life-saving drugs, setting the new prices at the point where they are just out of reach of the average citizen. "I'm keeping prices tantalizingly close, just above their income bracket—so close to being within budget, they can almost taste it," said Frazier, adding that he experienced "a delectable little thrill" when sick people's vital medicines and vaccines came excruciatingly close to affordability without actually being attainable. "Despite what people think,... [Read More]
Thumbnail
America's Finest News Source... [Read More]
Thumbnail
America's Finest News Source... [Read More]
Thumbnail
KANSAS CITY, MO—Sadly watching from the dugout as the lone spectator refused to abandon the game, the players of the Kansas City Royals confirmed this week that they were concerned about a fan who stuck out a three-hour rain delay. "I hope he's okay, I mean, we appreciate the support, but it's coming down in sheets and this game has absolutely zero playoff implications," said third-baseman Mike Moustakas, who expressed concern that the fan had seemingly nothing better to do for an entire evening than wait for a mid-season baseball game to restart while sitting through a torrential downpour.... [Read More]
Thumbnail
ABINGTON, PA—Experiencing an urgent need to extend his bloodline, prospective father Mark Griffin said Thursday that he felt pressured to give his mother grandchildren while she was still around to care for them on his behalf. "Sad to say, Mom's getting older, and if I wait any longer to have kids, she may not be physically able to feed them, clothe them, play with them, and discipline them when I just don't feel like it," said 29-year-old Griffin, acknowledging that his mother had been dropping subtle hints that she'd like grandchildren, presumably in order to raise them in his... [Read More]
Thumbnail
America's Finest News Source... [Read More]
Thumbnail
WASHINGTON—Expressing relief that the leaked recording of his meeting with lawyer Michael Cohen revealed more than merely his practice of paying hush money to his mistresses, President Donald Trump told the reporters Thursday that he felt "vindicated" by the captured conversation, during which he clearly and unequivocally demonstrated his yearning for reconciliation between the races, called for an earnest and compassionate ongoing dialogue among those of different faiths, and unequivocally condemned the rampant gender inequality at all levels of American society. "Sure, it might look like I'm only concerned with silencing a Playmate in exchange for a large sum... [Read More]
Thumbnail
A debate about the country's past has revealed sharply divergent views of its future, Elisabeth Zerofsky writes. [Read More]
Thumbnail
Cloudflare is a free global CDN and DNS provider that can speed up and protect any site online... [Read More]
Thumbnail
F-117s are still zipping around the skies of Southern Nevada even after Congress mandated the jets begin to be put to rest once and for all. [Read More]
Loading...
Preview