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NEW YORK—Claiming the trauma experienced by former iCarly star had all the makings of television gold, Nickelodeon reportedly offered Thursday to buy the TV rights... [Read More]
Former President Trump invoked his Fifth Amendment right against self-incrimination during a deposition in the New York Attorney General's probe into the Trump Organization's business... [Read More]
WASHINGTON—Following this week's raid on former President Donald Trump's Florida property, the FBI reportedly turned over documents retrieved from Mar-A-Lago to a dorky desk agent... [Read More]
CHICAGO—In response to outcry among South Side residents, Chicago officials reportedly defended Thursday relocating a polluting factory to a local Black family's kitchen. "Despite... [Read More]
MADISON, WI—Noting he wasn't able to secure a kiss at the end, vomit-covered man Daniel Sedona who shit his pants expressed hope Thursday that he... [Read More]
With artificial intelligence becoming more advanced every year, a number of high-ranking experts have begun to sound the alarm. The Onion asked several CEOs what... [Read More]
A 17-year-old from Nebraska and her mother are facing criminal charges for performing an illegal abortion after police obtained from Facebook the pair's private chat... [Read More]
WASHINGTON—In an effort to better verify participants' eligibility, the U.S. Department of Agriculture announced Wednesday that recipients of Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program benefits would now... [Read More]
SAN QUENTIN, CA—Advising inmates to be ready with the proper funds available in their accounts, a new policy at San Quentin State Prison charges... [Read More]
The Onion brings you all of the latest news, stories, photos, videos and more from America's finest news source. [Read More]
"Fuck him. I got my judges." [Read More]
WASHINGTON—Implying that he likely wouldn't have earned the spot without a healthy dose of nepotism, NASA crew members told reporters Wednesday that astronaut Joseph Mesic... [Read More]
CHICAGO—Touting its trendy, male-centric healthcare product, a new company called "BroSludge" debuted a marketing campaign Wednesday advertising orange guck for men. "When men need to... [Read More]
A prominent French scientist has apologized after tweeting a photo of a slice of chorizo that he claimed was a deep-space image of a "distant... [Read More]
PALM BEACH, FL—Clambering into the cardboard containers with delight the moment after agents had vacated the property, Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. were reportedly... [Read More]
Kim Kardashian and comedian Pete Davidson ended their nine-month relationship, reportedly breaking up due to distance and schedules. What do you think? [Read More]
BEDMINSTER, NJ—Upon realizing the FBI had only searched his Florida home for classified White House documents, former President Donald J. Trump expressed relief to reporters... [Read More]
JUPITER, FL—Suggesting the upcoming U.S. Open could very well be her last tournament, Serena Williams announced Tuesday she would soon be retiring from tennis to... [Read More]
"Policy should only be based on empirically sourced Scripture." [Read More]
NEW YORK—Bemoaning how much time he had squandered on trivial grudges and petty whims, local man Stefan Krawitz, 91, reportedly used his last... [Read More]
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