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Ohio will award five vaccinated adult residents $1 million each in a bid to address vaccine hesitancy in the state, with those eligible having received... [Read More]
HOUSTON, TX—Warning that the escaped animal was highly intelligent and a master of deceit, Houston authorities scrambled Friday when a missing tiger named India disappeared... [Read More]
All the latest politics coverage from The Onion, America's finest news source. [Read More]
As a remake of some of the most beloved sci-fi RPGs of all time, Mass Effect Legendary Edition drew some healthy skepticism from series fans.... [Read More]
WASHINGTON—Pledging to finally end America's reliance on fossil fuels, Biden held a press conference Friday to outline the centerpiece of his renewable energy plan to... [Read More]
BALTIMORE—Cursing herself out for ever having been so gullible, local mare Persephone couldn't believe the stallion she slept with Friday had lied to her about... [Read More]
FAYETTEVILLE, NC—Wondering if it was too late to cancel the album rollout, a visibly humiliated J. Cole listened to The Off-Season Friday and asked, "Oh... [Read More]
DURHAM, NC—Scooped up after a bidding war by a die-hard fan who intends to display it in his private residence, Michael Jordan's game-used tongue... [Read More]
On Wednesday, Republican representatives voted to strip Rep. Liz Cheney of her leadership position within the party's House delegation, a move that represents a significant... [Read More]
BALTIMORE—Slowly zooming in on the precancerous growth while it hissed and screeched, local gastroenterologist Gary Weiss reportedly watched in horror Friday as a polyp skittered... [Read More]
CHICAGO—Lauding the 22-year-old for her commitment to serving her community, sources confirmed Friday that local Taco Bell employee Nicole Cortez has had a far greater... [Read More]
JAY-Z, the Go-Go's, and Tina Turner are among this year's Rock & Roll Hall of Fame inductees, the most diverse lineup in the organization's history.... [Read More]
DETROIT—Dashing any hope he had for the upcoming season, Lions fan Paul Benson told reporters Thursday that Detroit was "so screwed" after seeing they got... [Read More]
BROOKLYN, NY—Spinning into a days-long spat that caused the Nets forward to miss practice, league sources confirmed Kevin Durant spent all day Thursday feuding with... [Read More]
House Republicans voted to remove Rep. Liz Cheney as GOP conference chair over her opposition of former president Trump and not supporting his false claims... [Read More]
FRAMINGHAM, MA—Reeling with surprise as the 45-year-old dove behind cover and shouted out commands to his teammates, guests at local child Chase Williamson's laser tag... [Read More]
SACRAMENTO, CA—Engaged in a heated discussion with friends Thursday, local man Evan Staub was reportedly unaware that the long-held opinion he was voicing about the... [Read More]
WASHINGTON—Clarifying newly relaxed CDC guidelines, White House medical advisor Dr. Anthony Fauci told reporters Thursday that there was no longer a need for statues to... [Read More]
ARLINGTON, VA—In a long-overdue move to help modernize clinical practices, the American Psychological Association announced Thursday plans to update their Diagnostic And Statistical Manual Of... [Read More]
Genetically modified mosquitoes have been released for the first time in the U.S. as part of a pilot program in the Florida Keys to reduce... [Read More]
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